I woke this morning hurting. I’m used to hurting. It seems like I hurt everyday to a huge extent. If its not one thing its one of the many others. I’m 25 and I’m diagnosed:
Bipolar, Social Anxiety, Hiatil Hernia, Arthritis, and to add serious insult to injury…they’ve thrown in glaucoma at most recently. Some people are hypochondriacs and then some of us have been sickly since conception. I hate the fact that there is always something wrong with me. It doesn’t seem hardly fair. I love Neil with all my heart, but cause my teeth hurt real bad today–I keep throwing angry remarks at him. I know its not right to tear someone up just cause you don’t feel good. But I seriously am having trouble being normal me. Or is this angry twisted soul really me all along? I don’t know myself. And that becomes a problem after a while.
I can’t wake up this morning. I feel like I’m groggy and tired. I went to bed at about 12:30am-1am and I didn’t even stir till 11am. That’s a long time to sleep for me. I’m used to sleeping in small spurts. But maybe that’s the point? I don’t ever hardly get enough sleep but somehow when I start to get decent sleep I feel blah cause my body requires so much rejuvenation.
I’m writing this blog in the hopes that whatever aggression I have inside for feeling frickin’ awful….it will be pacified for now. And I won’t try to cause fights with Neil. I know I do that sometimes just to get out the way I’m feeling. I need to stop that. Neil is a great man. He puts up with me and my sickly ways. He always tells and shows me love–sometimes when I don’t hardly deserve it.
I really don’t mean to be so angry. It only enhances my disgust for myself and really accomplishes nothing except pushing Neil and I to the wall. And I’ve been doing it too much lately. I know if I can’t change these certain horrible ways…I will in the end lose the best thing that has ever happened to me. He deserves so much better. He deserves nothing but kindness and respect all the time. And I can’t figure out clearly what makes me attack him when he is nothing but good to me. I wish I could really just put it away and never be like this again. If writing all my feelings out works, maybe I can do this from now on when anger is bubbling over my brain. I certainly hope so. Gosh, I really hope.
Am I horrible, hopeless, twisted individual who will never be able to change her ways? I certainly hope not. Which can only mean I need to get a handle on this bs before it really upsets the balance of my life and I never experience happiness again. Neil walking out on me cause I’m too much to take sometimes would definitely lead to me being angry probably for the rest of my life. I can’t allow that to happen. It’s like I have multiple personalities sometimes. And this is my most hated personality.
When Neil walks back through that door, I’m gonna give him the biggest hug and tell him I’m sorry. That’s the best I can do. And I hope he accepts it. Cause Neil Tanaka is really my world. And to lose my world will surely mean death. He deserves a queen, not a spoiled princess. And I have to just keep telling myself that. Over and over. Everything I do anymore is for Neil or advice he’s givn me.
There he did just walk through our bedroom door. I hugged him and apologized for being such an uncontrollable bitch. I really hope that is the end of the sniping remarks for today. But unfortunately, I know all too well its my worst habit. Causing arguments and being mean to release the aggression.
Thank you dear reader if you’re reading this at all.