Love is the answer

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketLife is supposed to be this great big journey where we like salmon retrace the steps of those ancient to us now and keep beating against the mating rituals that make us fuss and fight.  My life has been slowly falling a part for a while now.  I wish I had one single answer of how to counter act this horrible-ness.  But I don’t know what to do or think anymore.  It’s like why is life worth it.  For me that is Neil.  Despite what my parents think of him he has made me more happy in this last year than I’ve been in 10 without.  I wish I had the answers, oh yes I do.

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Done

Life can sometimes get you down.  Everybody goes through it every now and then.  Neil and I just had a really big fight.  I hope its over and done with.Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Best Of Luck

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Well its been a while since I’ve been in the mood to blog.  I’ve been very sick these past weeks.  First I had some teeth pulled, I had a pharmacy give me the wrong meds–And that landed me in the hospital just this Tuesday.  And an hour or so ago I had a seizure and made my significant other really worried and sad.  Geeze.  I have the best of luck don’t I?

The Twisted Anger of the Sick

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I woke this morning hurting.  I’m used to hurting.  It seems like I hurt everyday to a huge extent.  If its not one thing its one of the many others.  I’m 25 and I’m diagnosed:

Bipolar, Social Anxiety, Hiatil Hernia, Arthritis, and to add serious insult to injury…they’ve thrown in glaucoma at most recently.  Some people are hypochondriacs and then some of us have been sickly since conception.  I hate the fact that there is always something wrong  with me.  It doesn’t seem hardly fair.  I love Neil with all my heart, but cause my teeth hurt real bad today–I keep throwing angry remarks at him.   I know its not right to tear someone up just cause you don’t feel good.  But I seriously am having trouble being normal me.  Or is this angry twisted soul really me all along?   I don’t know myself.  And that becomes a problem after a while. 

I can’t wake up this morning.  I feel like I’m groggy and tired.  I went to bed at about 12:30am-1am and I didn’t even stir till 11am.  That’s a long time to sleep for me.  I’m used to sleeping in small spurts.  But maybe that’s the point?  I don’t ever hardly get enough sleep but somehow when I start to get decent sleep I feel blah cause my body requires so much rejuvenation. 

I’m writing this blog in the hopes that whatever aggression I have inside for feeling frickin’ awful….it will be pacified for now.  And I won’t try to cause fights with Neil.  I know I do that sometimes just to get out the way I’m feeling.   I need to stop that.  Neil is a great man.  He puts up with me and my sickly ways.  He always tells and shows me love–sometimes when I don’t hardly deserve it.

 I really don’t mean to be so angry.  It  only enhances my disgust for myself and really accomplishes nothing except pushing Neil and I to the wall.  And I’ve been doing it too much lately.  I know if I can’t change these certain horrible ways…I will in the end lose the best thing that has ever happened to me.  He deserves so much better.  He deserves nothing but kindness and respect all the time.  And I can’t figure out clearly what makes me attack him when he is nothing but good to me.  I wish I could really just put it away and never be like this again.  If writing all my feelings out works, maybe I can do this from now on when anger is bubbling over my brain.  I certainly hope so.  Gosh, I really hope.

Am I horrible, hopeless, twisted individual who will never be able to change her ways?  I certainly hope not.  Which can only mean I need to get a handle on this bs before it really upsets the balance of my life and I never experience happiness again.  Neil walking out on me cause I’m too much to take sometimes would definitely lead to me being angry probably for the rest of my life.  I can’t allow that to happen.  It’s like I have multiple personalities sometimes.  And this is my most hated personality.

When Neil walks back through that door, I’m gonna give him the biggest hug and tell him I’m sorry.  That’s the best I can do.  And I hope he accepts it.  Cause Neil Tanaka is really my world.  And to lose my world will surely mean death.  He deserves a queen, not a spoiled princess.  And I have to just keep telling myself that.  Over and over.  Everything I do anymore is for Neil or advice he’s givn me.

 There he did just walk through our bedroom door.  I hugged him and apologized for being such an uncontrollable bitch.  I really hope that is the end of the sniping remarks for today.  But unfortunately, I know all too well its my worst habit.  Causing arguments and being mean to release the aggression.

Thank you dear reader if you’re reading this at all. 

-Danielle Jorgenson

Step right up and see the freak show!

It is the early morning which has spawned this burst of creativity.  Maybe I’ve been up to long or not long enough…something will have to give.  Welcome to my “professional-listic’ blog instead of the corny one I used to keep on “My personal docu-drama Myspace.

Well if you’re here you should know a few basic things about me.  I’m married, I have a bad case of social phobia combined with manic depression, I’m a practicing enchantress….and uh my favorite food is fried chicken.  If you like this blog now or in the future show me some love and let me know you were here.  That’s why I blog and don’t write in a journal in the first plac.  Everyone needs feedback and advice. 

Currently right now in the career department, I am in the very early stages of writing a book.  It’s going to be a sci-fi/fantasy.  I can’t figure out yet if it will be for the young adult racket or straight up adult.  The book I’m writing is based on the most incredible dream I’ve ever had–and still picture the images in my mind.  So I don’t even expect to be past the researching and educating myself on certain things anytime in the foreseeable future.  I guess you could say this was my big dream.  Not to be a famous writer, just to be a writer.  I’m living out a dream.  And fewer than should be allowed people are the ones that actually do it.  Most people dream of the great things and never do anything about.  Even if when I’m done this book is racid….I’m still gonna be proud of me for living the life I wanted–and on MY terms.